it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
What a dumb baby whore.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
