You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
