Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
