How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
