Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
