i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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