Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
