I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
