I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
