1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
