what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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