So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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