Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
