Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
