did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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