I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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