You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Girls should come with a carfax report
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
