Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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