Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
