I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
