he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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