I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
