Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
