he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
