My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
