Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
