mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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