I cannot find my penis.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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