i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
