If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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