I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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