2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
