I am spending my child support on dildos
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
