I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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