im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
