I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
