why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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