my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
