NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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