I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
