I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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