Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
