It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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