mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
