I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
