OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
