I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
