i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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