new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
