I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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