I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
