so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
