her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
pray to the hookup gods
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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