after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
