Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
