My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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