i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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