I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
